It’s Scary To Be White These Days…

TRIGGER WARNING: The following blog involves satirical language.

As a fellow white woman, I’m finding life to be a lot scarier now than ever. I see people speaking Spanish, black people napping, Muslims eating ice cream… what happened to our safe little world? I’m about to be a mother to a white boy and I’m terrified for him. I feel compelled to write this blog because us white women finally need to be heard. There is so much scariness going on and we need to start speaking out because we never ever do.

When I heard about the incident of the man running over and killing 15 people in my own city, Toronto, it upset me dearly. I feel for the victims but now I’m reading that the driver was an Incel (involuntary celibate). The man just needed to get laid. Many people’s lives would have been spared if women just stopped crying for one second about self respect and give this repulsive soul a handy. The boy that shot all those students in Texas is being labeled a terrorists which concerns me because terrorists are brown people, but he’s white… so does that mean he’s secretly Muslim? It’s all so confusing. It’s not fair to label white men as the source to mass shootings just because majority of mass shootings are done by white men. It’s also not fair to blame guns. We don’t know if they gave consent or not. It’s a he-said, it-said situation.

Even going to work is scary. You now have to be careful about what you say or you’ll get in trouble. I have to give up my favourite adjectives to call minorities now because it’s considered “offensive”. I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore. How do you talk to gay people or black people? Ask them about the weather? Is that a thing gay people talk about? I just don’t know! How can I have a conversation with a transgender person if I can’t talk about their genitals?! There’s like, no other conversations to be had! I’M SO CURIOUS!! If a man talks to me, he must feel so uncomfortable now that he can’t randomly massage my shoulders, comment on my looks or whip out his dick. There’s just no way of winning. How am I, as a white woman, supposed to feel safe at work when a women of colour is up for the same promotion as me? They clearly had to work harder than me to get to the same place which makes them even more intimidating. There’s just no even playing field.

Now that I’m about to be a mother to a white male, what will the world look like in his eyes now that he doesn’t have as much power as the men before him? How will he know to take power away from people instead of sharing it? How will he know that he’s just better than everyone simply because he just happened to be born? How do I teach him that if he wants respect, he’s going to have to… EARN IT?! What is a mother to do?! How is my boy going to be a proper member of society if he doesn’t bully his way through life and demand everything? How will he contribute? Compassion, skills, empathy, resourcefulness – these are female traits, my son has no chance! What is going to happen when he starts school? Public schools are being more tolerant of other cultures, is that going to influence my son? Thank God the white-nationalists are recruiting at colleges, it would be so scary having outside influences impregnate my child with horrendous ideologies.

I’m scared of the threat of my guns being taken away. Just because I have assault rifles, family history of violent mental illness and my husband is on the no-fly list shouldn’t mean I have to give up my favourite game of Playing God. It is my right to protect myself from the thoughts in my head and kill whoever I want because the voices tell me to. They can’t be wrong, the voices are in MY head.

I’m scared of Black Lives Matter. They look so scary walking together telling me stories of their loved ones being shot and killed by police. What do they want, police to update their training tactics and learn to NOT shoot innocent people? How will things be kept in control? It’s making me question things and I don’t like questioning things… questions make me think I could be wrong and I’m never wrong. What does Black Lives Matter even mean? Are they saying I don’t matter? Because I do, so I don’t get what they’re whining about.

I’m tired of my kind being blamed for everything wrong in the world. Slavery happened so long ago and I’m pretty sure the history books exaggerated the conditions, so like, enough already! White people are hysterical because we’re being shamed for killing and locking up innocent people of colour. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be judged for yelling obscenities at people? It’s not very nice. I’m tired of being called a racist because I think white people are a superior race, it’s just a belief system and I find it offensive that I’m being judged for my beliefs. So the next time you want to call me anything that ends in “ist” just remember that I am a person too, and I am very scared.

It’s Time To Call Out Predators In All Industries.

#MeToo has been something I have dreamed about my whole life. I am so happy this moment has finally arrived where women feel safe to come forward and not only share, but stop predators in their tracks. I am a woman in the entertainment industry and I feel extremely grateful that I have not gone through such horror as the stories I’ve read in the NYT, Post and Vanity Fair. I have been lucky enough to have been mentored by the most kind and supporting men who truly believe in my work. That being said, I of course have experienced sexism and harassment in music and working in the restaurant industry. The more we speak out about harassment and assault, the less it will happen. Lack of consequences is what kept perpetuating this brutal behaviour towards women. It’s time for that to end.

My experience in music comes not from the business, but pleasure. I play drums recreationally and played with bands casually for a while. Anytime (I’m not kidding, like 95% of the time) I told a man I played drums, it was if on cue they would say, “wow you’re a drummer? That’s hot.” Umm… thanks? One guy I worked with said his band was looking for a drummer and I told him I played and instead of asking me how long I’ve played or what kind of music, he replied with, “that’s hot. Would you play in your bra?” I stared at him and said, “if you guys play only wearing a sock”. That ended the conversation with an awkward laugh as he quickly walked away. Yep. I’ve been bullied in bands, I’ve been asked many times if I would play in a bra (in which I give the same response. It’s foul proof to shut it down) and I was even written an extremely inappropriate e-mail by an old band member basically asking me to sleep with him. Do I really need to remind men (especially older men) that I am a part of the band that plays an instrument? I’m not a groupie, I am on your team. If you wouldn’t say these things to a male bandmate, then don’t say it to me.

I have worked in the restaurant industry since I was 18 so… long enough, let’s just say that. It baffles me how often the industry is catered to men. Fun fact, did you know that women also eat and drink at bars? I’m not sure who started this fad, but it started around 2006 and got wildly out of control, especially in corporate restaurants. There recently has been a fight against restaurant owners forcing female employees to wear high heels during their shifts. My old roommate was a cocktail waitress at – well, let’s just call it, Shirtless Moes and she was forced to wear heels for her 8 hour shift. Her feet were covered in cuts and blisters and she could barely walk by the end of her shift. I’ve worked at a bar who tried to switch the uniform to a tiny shirt and skirt. The servers were all women who unanimously refused, so we lucked out of that change. Most employees though, not so lucky. Just as a customer, you can see the sexism in restaurants. Men staff wearing comfortable T-shirts, pants and work shoes while the females are wearing low-cut tiny t-shirts with tight pants or small skirt. Trust me, it’s not by choice. Restaurants catering to men makes no economical sense. Why isolate 51% of your customers and ruin their appetite? It’s hard to enjoy your food when you feel so bad and angry for your server. I know uniforms aren’t predatory behaviour, but it’s important to paint a picture of what women have to deal with in order to have a decent paying job. Now add perverted bosses, co-workers and customers into the mix and you have the restaurant industries signature cocktail!
The argument for women to avoid these places of work is wrong, the argument is to allow the employees to complain without fear of losing their jobs or have their shifts drastically cut. A bar I worked at, the manager left work to go to a strip club and one of the servers confronted him about it and he fired her on the spot. He turned to me and said, “if you say one word to me, you’re fired too.” Sadly, this is way too common. Men in position of power in restaurants such as bar owners or managers use the same tactics as Harvey Weinstein, minus the hotel room. It’s disgusting and it happens all.the.time.
Even worse, customers also behave terribly towards women. Yep, trying to get me to hug them, they go for the high-five but hold my hand and grope me, lord help me if I say no to a date… they take a few more shots of whiskey and bother me some more. Alcohol really brings out the worst in people, and all I see is the worst.

When I started writing this blog I thought, “do we really need ANOTHER blog about this?” As you can see, yes we do. Every industry has a terrible reputation that needs to be re-written. Women need protection in the work place, in every industry. The more stories that are being told, the more likely something will be done. Someone will identify with at least one of these stories and that is saying something. Women hope that just maybe if men read these, it will bring some self awareness to having them change, or maybe, finally, believe us and support us. Two sad guy sitting in a restaurant I worked at asked me, “what are we doing wrong?” They clearly struck out that night. I said, “have you thought of talking to women like your fellow man instead of a conquest?” Sadly, they hadn’t thought of that. Men, you are better than this. Women, you deserve better. Demand more. Make change.